A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.