TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
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Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.