Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”