Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
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How do horror writers compete with current events?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
They did not miss in the small print
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.