100% of divorces begin with marriage.
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ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
What?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.