Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
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Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius