MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend