[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Still my favourite meme.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance