Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.