Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
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Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Happy Thanksgiving
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.