It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
handsome & gretel
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.