MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.