If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
You Might Also Like
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk