*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her