I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel