My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
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Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I ate everything, including the H.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth