I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
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From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Why are bridges so flammable.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…