hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
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Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”