john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
You Might Also Like
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.