1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
WHO DID THIS?
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?