WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
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Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
every. time.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes