Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You Might Also Like
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.