waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]