I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
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When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.