Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
decorating my apartment
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”