[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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I need a headline like this
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.