The Weeknd is back
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DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Proctology is located in A55
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.