Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
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If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Not today. 😅
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this