The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
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Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Morning my dudes.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
2022 be like
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
when dads have a rap battle
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today