using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
This week’s mood.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs