Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
You Might Also Like
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Simple enough.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
What the hell happened here.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase