My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
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Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.