I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…