Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off