THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
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I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Damn what did I do next
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”