[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
You Might Also Like
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*