Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
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It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Rooting for the overdog
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?