That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
our love story in four pictures
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.