Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
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GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.