Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I feel seen
ok this is my dumbest yet
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..