Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
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Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Those are good neighbors.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?