imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
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The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Coffee is ready.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though