If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
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They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.