My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
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shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts