Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
That’s it.I’m out.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*