Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
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Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Plant care tips
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.