Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks