Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Home #decor warning.
LOOOOOOL
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes