Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
This is me 🤣🤣
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much