Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
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Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.